Epically Real
by insertlackofwit
Summary: In which, Ino intervenes to save Sakura from her guy failures."Congratulations, forehead. You have guys reporting to you how many strands of ramen they can shove up their nose before passing out. Would you like some fries with that award?"


**Disclaimer**: If I owned Naruto, the Uchiha clan would be repopulated with pink haired children by now.

* * *

**Epically Real**

"Pig! I _do_ talk to guys!"

"Congratulations, forehead. You have guys reporting to you how many strands of ramen they can shove up their nose before passing out. Would you like some fries with that award?"

**insertlackofwit**

**-**

**-**

**-**

* * *

Overrated. Definitely overrated.

Why is it that every decent high school boy always goes for the blonde haired, blue eyed girls that cheerlead(Cough, Ino-pig, cough)? I mean, honestly. What's so bad about exotic girls that play _soccer_?

Ino (stupid, stupid, evil best friend) snorted and continued to file her nails with her feet propped on MY glossy white desk. "Forehead, pink hair is a step past exotic."

"It's _your _fault this stupid pink dye won't come out." It took everything I had in me to not whip the pencil in my head at her stupid pretty face. "And get your feet away from my Macbook."

Ino grunted with reluctance and swung her feet off my desk. "But, seriously. Are you just upset because you heard Neji's dating some blonde girl?"

Hyuuga Neji. Oh, Hyuuga Neji. Just his name was enough to make me swoon. His strong muscled arms and his beautifully gorgeous, long chocolate hair--

"Sakura, you're drooling. Stop mind-raping Neji."

I frowned and wiped my palm across my chin. No drool. "I am not mind-raping Hyuuga Neji." She snorts. The bitch. "Whoever that boy decides to associate himself with is none of my concern."

Ino feigned a pout and slid her nail filer against my desk. I inwardly cringed-- she better not scrape up my beautiful white decor. Pretending to be sad, she recited in a fake baby voice (stupid. pigs.) "Is Sakura just a sour puss because she doesn't come in contact with any guys? _Ever_?"

This time, I did hock a pencil at her demonic, model-worthy face. "Pig! I _do_ talk to guys!"

She leaned back in my chair and propped her feet back on my desk. With a sneer, she drawled, "Congratulations, forehead. You have guys reporting to you how many strands of ramen they can shove up their nose before passing out. Would you like some fries with that award?"

Witty little girl, isn't she? I grimaced and twirled a strand of pink hair into my index finger. "I talk to guys_ other_ than Naruto."

"Your step dad and step brother don't count." This time, a pillow went flying in her direction and she dodged, allowing the pillow to crash into the wall and knock down a photo frame. Ino sighed and flipped open my Macbook. Typical of her to act without permission. Her manicured fingers tapped against the slick black keys as she logged onto Facebook. Trust Ino to decide it's time to connect with the rest of the world when I'm having a boy crisis. I knew I should have invited Hinata instead. Hinata doesn't get her gross fingernail shavings all over my black carpet. Hinata doesn't call me forehead, and Hinata brings me cookie dough ice cream-- why did I invite Ino over again?

"Forehead, are you going to respond to me or not?" I looked up from my inner ramblings and stared at her in confusion.

"What?"

"Do you want me to set us up for a group date or not?"

So _that_ is why I invited Ino. I slid off my silk cream-colored sheet, banging my knee against the black carpet as I went. Ignoring the light throbbing, I got over and nearly flung myself at the computer. I'm not guy crazy I swear-- Okay. Well maybe just a little. But Ino, in her annoying Greek-goddess-like gorgeousness _did _know some pretty hot guys. "Do I get to pick?"

She didn't look up as she checked her notifications. "No."

I slumped onto the floor, puffing a strand of pink hair away from my face. "Well, that's just jovial."

Yup. Definitely should have invited Hinata over instead. Stupid, blonde, cheerleading--

"And stop thinking that you should have invited Hinata instead, or else I _will_ pick out a dweeb for you."

--psychic Ino.

* * *

I knew I shouldn't have trusted Ino. Naruto once said that blondes should never be trusted, after he tricked me out of the Konoha Girl's Academy versus The Men of Leaf victory soccer goal (the little jerkwad). Then again, Naruto isn't exactly a person you listen to. Unless of course, you're an aspiring psychopath with a tragic past that needs to be set on the right path. Naruto was famous for his surprisingly successful "I'm-going-to-punch-you-in-the-face-and-recite-a-monologue-Believe-it" therapy 'sessions'. Though, I don't know if it's a wise idea for the mayor's son to go around punching psychopaths in the face.

"You're not seriously mad at me."

I tugged awkwardly at the tight fitting green cami and white t-shirt Ino had thrown at me earlier this morning with my left hand. This morning, I thought it was adorable. Right now, I was too busy hating life to care. I kept my free hand at my phone and pretended to be texting. I hissed "Of course I'm mad, Pig! I can't believe you set me up with--"

"Uchiha Sasuke." Ino deadpanned, her sky blue eyes hardened with frustration. "The hottest guy in all of Konoha. God knows every girl alive wants to get in his pants-- and some guys."

"Sh! They'll hear us!" I shot a panicked look at the guys, sitting a little further down than us on the fountain. Why the Konoha Mall even had a giant fountain was a wonder to me. It only gave Naruto a chance to be more of a moron-- did he really just splash Sasuke with dirty, unhygienic, germ-infested fountain water?

"You're mad at me, _why_?" She inquired in a quieter tone.

"Because!" I sound like a bad and ungrateful friend. Great. "This makes for such an awkward situation! Hell, I act like a moron in front of people like Rock Lee. And you chose _Uchiha Sasuke_?"

"Oh come on. He thinks we're all just hanging out as a group anyway." Ino grabbed my wrist and pulled us up. Wait. What? My date doesn't even _know_ we're on a date? My green eyes narrowed in frustration and I left my hands clench; my nails digging into my hand. Ino should be grateful that there are too many witnesses around, or else she would definitely be six feet under in my backyard by now.

"I have a great idea." Ino announced as Sasuke shoved Naruto into the fountain. Kiba glanced up from laughing and grinned at his girlfriend.

"Shoot." He shot her a wink. Oh, could they be _anymore_ obvious about their intentions?

"Well, they just opened up this new romance movie, and since the mall has a movie theatre, I was thinki--"

"Why, Ino, that is a great idea!" Naruto recited, as if verbatim from a script (which it probably was, anyway), in a loud and obnoxious tone. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. My friends are idiots and they should never ever try to become actors. "Let us, _us couples that is_, go watch this wondrous movie you speak of!" Naruto is so dead when I get a hold of him. And how the hell did he dry off so fast?

Naruto hoisted Hinata to her feet and Kiba snaked an arm around Ino's waist. When Sasuke and I both made a move to get up, Kiba turned around and gave us a wolfish grin. "Hey, couples only."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and stuffed his hands in his pockets. I opened my mouth to protest but they already walked off. Walked off and left me to my self-demise. I hate Ino pig. Stupid, stupid, stupid evil vixen of a best friend. I'm going to break the heels off all her bad-ass stilettos. At the next game, I will kick the soccer ball right into her face while she's on top of that annoying cheerleader pyramid and--

"Ahem." Maybe I should save plotting Ino's death for later. Sasuke-- this guy is really hot. Like, wow. I heard he was good looking but he's just a freaking God. But yeah, so anyway-- at me with a quirked eyebrow. Oh. God. Did my face go psycho-demonic while I was plotting Pig's death?

"Didn't you used to be brunette?" Ah. It speaks.

I nearly glowered-- nearly being the keyword. Cause. Yeah. Hi? Don't want to look all scary in front of my should-be date-- at the memory. Loser Ino and her stupid hair dye. Strawberry blonde, my ass. "Let's just say that Ino should never become a hairdresser."

I would say that Sasuke frowned, but I'm pretty sure that expression is permanently stuck onto his face. Must have sneezed when he was having a bad day or something. "I can imagine that."

Did Uchiha Sasuke just somewhat show a sense of humor? I must be crazier than I thought I was. "Speaking of idiotic friends," I started and he just stared. Why is he staring? Does he always do that? Stop staring at me (unless you think I'm pretty, then please proceed) "I apologize on their behalf. They obviously think they're sneaky and amazing when we both know they're pretty transparent."

Sasuke snorted (but that's okay, because he's Uchiha Sasuke and he just snorted at me. Okay, I admit it. I'm boy crazy. Happy?) and waved it off. "Let the idiots do whatever makes them happy."

I gave him a weak smile in return. Cause, well really. A hot guy was willing to spend time with me (albeit, it was to make his friends happy, BUT LET ME DREAM! Believe it.). Swoon. "Er. Well. We might as well do something…"

Sasuke looked ready to speak but he hesitated. Is he sizing me up? Kid, I'm not going to rape you like a psychotic fangirl would-- Okay. Not that I don't want to, but he's got a good thirty pounds on me. And I definitely heard somewhere he's a black belt and a kendo master, so let's not go there. I tilted my head in an attempt to look innocent, which by the way, was made a lot easier by the pink hair. See? I have pink hair, I'm cute and innocent and I do not enlighten thoughts of raping Uchiha boys. "There is something we could do…" He continued.

I offered him a smile (do_not_jumphisbones,do _not_ jumphisbones) and clasped my hands together. "Well then, let's go!"

He grunted and began to lead the way.

I don't say anything. He doesn't say anything. Repeat process. I briefly recalled Naruto saying something about awkward silences… For every awkward silence, a gay baby is born. I just made a gay baby with Uchiha Sasuke.

Okay. No. I'd rather babble.

"Um. So. How's life?" I started awkwardly, clasping my hands behind my back. Sasuke showed no signs of having heard me. I decided to continue. "Mine's been normal. It's a bit inclined towards 'crappy', but I guess that's just life. There's no good in life without bad right? I'm pretty sure my math teacher back in eighth grade to Ino when she failed her test. A pretty poor attempt at cheering someone up if you ask me." I cleared my throat and pasted the classic Sarutobi frown on my face.

"My dear, without your D- average, everyone else's A's and B's would be meaningless!"

Wait. Did I seriously just pretend to be an old man in front of Uchiha Sasuke? I might as well paint "SOCIALLY INEPT" on my forehead, crawl into a hole, and never come out. ("Well, Billboard Brow, your forehead _would_ be big enough for that." Ino would say. I can just imagine it.)

Sasuke smirked. Clearing his own throat he paused and turned to me. I blinked and stopped, retracting the foot I was stepping forward with to face him. " 'Where leaves dance, fire burns. But soon the fire will die…' " Sasuke dropped the hand from his chin and let it hang next to him. "And then at that point I tune him out."

I think I'm falling in love. He just quoted my math teacher back to me… and we don't even go to the same school. My inner nerd is definitely squealing. "How do you know Sarutobi?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I meet a lot of people at family junctions."

Ah, of course. The ever powerful Uchiha family. Who wouldn't he know? I heard that the Uchiha were even in cahoots with Orochimaru, the mad scientist attempting to create immortality.

"Ah. I get you. Those must be nice."

"Family junctions?"

I thought about it for a moment. My mom and step-dad were elite enough business people to have been to quite a few junctions themselves. They always came back satisfied and in good moods (which means it's always the perfect time to ask for more pocket money…)

Sasuke appeared to be deciding in his mind. "They're okay."

"Just… okay?"

He settled for a shrug. "A lot of snobs."

I nodded in slight understanding. "But… all the free food."

Sasuke laughed. At least, it's something that sounded like a laugh. It's probably the closest he can physically get to a laugh without his reputation and pride combusting. "Go to one sometime."

I'll take that as an invitation to a second date. And, no. It is not that far of a stretch for me to believe it, because it's a "you have to be me to get it" moment. Right. So therefore, Sasukins just asked me out on a second -freaakin'-nnaro.

Sasuke quickens his pace a bit while I bask in (false) glory, and I end up facing his back. Oh. Wow. He's pretty tall. I think he's six feet. He's even taller than Naruto; Naruto in his five-foot-eleven glory. Then there's Ino that could be a freaking model-- looks and mindwise. That just about makes me the shortest person alive. At least that means I get to stare shamelessly at his backside. It also makes me the perfect height to go in for a hug. Neji was only _almost _the perfect height for hugs. Oh, my beautiful Ne--

"Hn."

"Hn."

Wait.

What.

With Sasuke basking in his basketball star worthy height, I resorted to leaning on my foot to get a glimpse ahead of me.

Oh.

Hello.

Shit.

Hyuuga Neji at the mall in front of my beautiful (kindasortofbutnotreally) date and me. With Temari What's-her-face. I _knew_ the girl was bad news when she stole Shikamaru from Ino, but _she_'s the blonde girl Neji ended up with?! She is so totally on Ino's and my hit list. Not that we have one. Cause that would be illegal. And probably get us suspended. Which means no more joint dances with sexy Men of Leaf boy's… and yeah. Okay. Right. Shutting up.

"Uchiha." Neji regarded him with a cold smirk. Temari's eyes lit up with amusement at the two guys. Not that I blamed her, really. I mean, what straight girl in her right mind would complain? Two extremely hot guys staring each other down… Mmmm. Maybe there'll be a boy fight. Oh, that'd be great if there was a boy fight over _moi_. Okay, so that probably won't happen but, I can always dream.

"What brings you to the mall? I thought you thought you were above shopping… especially with commoners."Neji's grey eyes slid oh so slightly in my direction and-- Oh God. Did he just_ leer _at me? Hyuuga _Douchebag_ Neji did not just condescend me with his eyes. The boy doesn't even freaking have pupils! I bristled, sure that my face was nearly as pink as my hair with anger. I mustered the angriest, most ferocious glare I could.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, Temari-bitch (I'm being a bit unfair in judging her, aren't I? Well, too bad. She wears fishnets and carries a handbag shaped like a fan--nuff' said.) tightened her claws around his arm. I can't believe I wasted two years pining over _this_ condescending jerkwad. It was definitely the pink hair too. No one trashes on the pink-- Unless your name is Ino-pig, Karin, Gaara, Tsunade-- Okay. Well. A lot of people trash on the pink. But definitely not Hyuuga Neji. Because before the hair dye incident with Pig, my beautiful, natural brunette hair was even sexier than Neji's stupid poo colored hair. But, speaking of his hair, _ew_. What was I on, to ever think his hair looked hot? He looked like a hipppie.

A homosexual hippie.

A _constipated_ homosexual hippie.

With a ten foot pole stuck up his ass.

(Hey, maybe that's why he looks constipated.

Cause, you know. He has a pole up there.

And that would make things--

Um. Yeah. Let's not continue on that train of thought)

God, I feel like I--

Oh. My. Holy. _Gandhi_.

I froze in position. I seriously don't think I can move right now. I slid my eyes to my right to confirm it. Yes. Holy baby Jesus!

Uchiha Sasuke has his arm around me. Uchiha, God of All Sexy Things (though, I honestly think his brother's hotter. He's got the bad-ass thing going on, while Sasuke is more of a prep. But, um, yeah, hello? Who cares? Uchiha Itachi is not my date right now), Sasuke threw his arm around me.

The left corner of his mouth tugged, and his eyes narrowed oh so slightly into a smug expression. His gravity-defying hair swayed, brushing me lightly on the cheek. "What's it to you, Hyuuga?"

Neji grimaced, his eyebrows curling together. "I don't--"

"Well then." Sasuke dismissed Neji with a light grunt. "We'll be on our way now."

And then we walked away.

Boo-freaking-yeah. Hyuuga Neji and his anti-pink hippieness can _suck it_.

Plus, I can hear Neji stuttering like a whiney little biznatch behind us. Dramatic exits really do rock. I think this is the first time I've ever made one. Oh, Uchiha Sasuke, where have you been all my life?

"Hyuuga Neji…" I turned to my newfound soulmate as he spoke, still in a bit of a daze. Yes, Uchiha Sasuke, I _will_ have your babies. "…is a tool. Don't concern yourself too much about him."

Sasuke took his arm off my shoulder and re-distanced us. Oh, boo. I miss the body heat and Sasuke's strong, chiseled, muscly arms.

Don't concern myself too much? Huh. I'm guessing this means he knows about my former petty little---- crush on Hyuuga Neji. My cheeks burned with warmth and probably began to glow bright red.

(FRET NOT, DEAR SASUKE! I don't normally like jerkwads! Hyuuga Neji was a mistake-- I was young and foolish! My arms are open and ready to embrace a handsome, mature man such as you.)

"I'm over it." I rolled my eyes, in an attempt to seem indifferent. "I didn't know he was such a… well. Frankly, for lack of a better word, I didn't know he was such an asswipe."

Sasuke chuckled. You know, I had heard the boy didn't laugh much. Or smile. Or show any indications of pleasure, or human emotion other than annoyance. Yet here he is, chuckling in my company. Yes. It's official-- he's definitely madly in love with me.

…

…

…

Okay. Yeah, that was a huge exaggeration. At least he seems to enjoy my company.

"So, where are we going?"

Sasuke did not look at me, nor show any sign of acknowledgement. He didn't respond for a moment. "Where my brother works."

My mouth formed an 'o' and we continued in silence. He took a swift left and stopped for a brief second. In front of us was a modest-sized, somewhat dubious looking bookstore with a large cream and green colored sign, that reminded me of green tea. Strange. Never noticed this store before.

"Welcome, how can I-- Sakura?"

Um. Do I know anyone that works at a bookstore? I tilted myself to the left, my mouth partially opened in question.

Freeze. Well. Today's just full of surprises, isn't it?

"Sasori?"

Sasori leaned forward on the counter he was clearly working at. He rested his head against his palm in a lazy fashion, the welcoming expression no longer on his face. So much for employee hospitality. "Don't you mean 'Aniki'?" He drawled.

I rolled my eyes. "As a step-sibling, I'm under no obligation to call you by any terms of respect--" I would say he frowned, but again, akin to Sasuke, like um. Hello? Devoid of human emotion. Seriously. What's up with the guys in my life? (Minus Naruto.) "--But, Aniki, sweet, sweet Aniki. Why is it that you have a job? Last time I checked, Men of Leaf did not allow students to have part-time jobs. Second, why didn't I know you have a job? And last, why is it at a bookstore I've never seen before?"

"I've been your step brother since before you could _walk_." Sasori muttered as rolled his eyes. He raised his hand and pointed one finger."Since when was I one to care what the Men of Leaf guidelines say? Though, I'm slightly interested as to why you know that when you don't attend Men of Leaf, unless you have a something you need to tell us." He pointed another. "I actually do recall telling you, but you were too busy Facebook stalking Hyuuga Neji at that moment." I blushed-- HOW DARE HE MENTION THAT IN FRONT OF MY FUTURE HUSBAND?-- and he raised another finger. "Because the only things you ever go out to shop for are clothes, shoes, and floss."

Sasuke looked puzzled at the mention of the last object. I replied to Sasori with a dry expression. "You very well know that I'm an avid fighter against plaque." Seriously though.

But, before I could make anymore of a fool out of myself, Sasuke moved abruptly, knocking his elbow against mine.

"I see my little brother made his way here." Uchiha Itachi emerged from a backdoor I had failed to notice from behind Sasori at the counter, carrying a box of what appeared to be manga. "With his girlfriend?"

I think that I just got approval from Sasuke's family. Ino-pig would be proud.

"You got my text." Sasuke stated, ignoring what Itachi had said. I would have been curious as to what was in said text message, but a worn, dimly colored box in the back room caught my attention.

"You want to use my car." Itachi gave Sasuke a dubious stare.

"Yes."

"Where's yours?"

"Naruto drove."

Itachi winced. "You entrusted Naruto with your life by getting in his car."

"I was feeling risky." Sasuke deadpanned. Itachi laughed and tossed his keys at Sasuke. "Just don't crash it."

Sasuke nodded briefly. "Sakura, let's--"

"Clue." I was barely even listening to the exchange between Sasuke and his brother. Because, there's a Clue box in the backroom.

Sasuke's expression was a mix of confusion, indifference, and slight worry. He definitely thinks I'm crazy. "There's a game of Clue over there!" I hissed, pointing a manicured finger towards the backroom.

Sasori snorted. "Sakura used to be obsessed with Clue, no matter how much she sucked at it. She made me play the game with her at least eight times a day."

Uhm. _Used to be_? Let's not go around throwing past tenses everywhere, brother dearest. I turned to Sasuke, preparing the same puppy-dog eyes I launched at Ino-pig whenever I wanted to borrow her kick-ass kitten heels. "Can we play?"

Sasuke hesitated before sighing in submission. "Fine."

His acceptance was how I ended up spending my entire Saturday-- with Uchiha Sasuke (most wanted guy in Konoha, God of All Things Sexy), playing Clue in the backroom of a suspicious looking bookstore. And never in my life, have I been as sure as I am now, that I have found a love so _epically real_.

* * *

(:That was a bit too hyper, crack-ish, and random for my liking. But, I hope it wasn't too horrendous..

For the sake of every Clue game out there, err, review? :)

**For those interested: **

"Forehead! Where the heck did you and Sasuke disappear to today!"

"Oh, nothing Ino-pig… Just a backroom somewhere."

"…"

"Pig?"

"You're so naming that child after me."

* * *

_insertlackofwit_


End file.
